Espresso Expresso
by GoesKaboom
Summary: Akatsuki decides to open a COFFEE SHOP! What's this world coming to? And what is it going to be like when they actually get CUSTOMERS? Can they pull it off? Crack fic. COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

Espresso Expresso

Chapter One

"Hey everyone! Guess what I bought today!" the Akatsuki leader exclaimed happily. "I bought an old Starbucks and we're going to open a coffee shop."

"I hate coffee," Itachi said.

"Do you like ANYTHING?" Kisame asked.

"Yes, but what I like is none of your damn business!" he retorted.

"I smell a MONEY-MAKING DEAL!" Kakuzu roared, jumping into the room. "AND IT SMELLS LIKE MOCHA ICED COFFEE!"

"Yeah, it's a coffee shop," Kisame said.

"I LOVE COFFEE!" Deidara shouted, crashing down the stairs. "GIVE ME COFFEE-UN!"

"Please calm down, sempai!" Tobi said, concerned. "Don't wreck the house!"

"No you can't have any coffee, dumbass!" Hidan shouted at Deidara. "It's for the customers! And all of you interrupted my prayers with this coffee shit. Never interrupt my prayers for stupid coffee shit again!"

"I'm not a dumbass…" Deidara voice trailed off.

"Don't worry about it," Kakuzu reassured him. "He's just bitchy because he doesn't know the value of a dollar."

"I DO SO KNOW THE VALUE OF A DOLLAR!" came the irate reply. Kakuzu just rolled his eyes.

"Huh?" Zetsu asked. "We're opening a coffee shop? What if I industrialized some of my recipies? I mean, my mom used to make the best coffee dunkers! And she passed the recipe on to me! See, you take the fingers and toes of a freshly killed corpse…"

"We've heard enough…" Itachi said faintly, feeling slightly sick.

"Aww… but you take some cinnamon sugar and sprinkle it lightly on top, and you serve it. Personally, I think they go best with a white-chocolate latte, but my sister swears by black coffee!"

"Uh… that's OK," The Leader said. But when Zetsu looked affronted, he quickly added, "But if you substitute food EVERYONE can eat for the dead bodies, we can try out your mom's recipe."

"What are we waiting for? Let's make some MONEY!" Kakuzu yelled.

"We're not ready yet. We don't have a name or a menu yet!" The Leader interjected.

"Espresso Expresso," Itachi said.

"Huh?"

"Espresso Expresso," he repeated. "As in Espresso Express. Only with an extra vowel on the end. Therefore we end up with Espresso Expresso. Get it?"

"Hey! I like that!" The Leader replied. "Now all we need is a menu."

"Got it!" Zetsu said. "We can sell my Auntie Rosebush's Graveyard Cookies, Maggot Infested Corpse Bars, and Bloody Lattes, to name a few family dishes!"

"Uh… Zetsu, I thought you said you would replace the ingredients…" Deidara said.

"I did!" Zetsu replied indignantly.

"No one is going to want to eat that crap! And we'll lose money!" Kakuzu yelled.

"Are you saying that I need to replace the NAMES too? Auntie Rosebush is probably turning in her grave!"

"Let's just get to work," The Leader said. "The place has to look somewhat decent before we can start selling food!"

To Be Continued!

Omake- Author's Comments

…I wanted coffee. What can I say? I also like the idea of Akatsuki running a coffee shop.

This is my thirtieth story! YAY! (does the happy dance). Virtual cookies for EVERYONE!

Thank you for reading and please look forward to the next chapter:D


	2. Chapter 2

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Two

"Dude this place is a DUMP!" Itachi exclaimed upon seeing the wreckage that was going to become Espresso Expresso. "It looks like my foolish little brother used it for Chidori practice."

"Knowing your brother, that's probably what happened," Kisame laughed.

--

* * *

In a mental institution in Konoha, a certain emo Uchiha avenger rocked back and forth. "I-I-I'm sorry! I didn't m-mean to kill that g-g-guy! I t-thought he was I-I-Itachi!" 

"Yeah yeah, tell it to the judge, Uchiha," the guard said. "The fact remains that you Chidori-ed a random person standing in front of you in Starbucks line."

--

* * *

"Jashin, this is nasty. What did the people here do, try to put out a fire with whipped cream? It's all congealed and disgusting," Hidan said. 

"Yuck. I think I stepped in bloody coffee," Tobi added.

"BLOODY COFFEE? WHERE?" Zetsu asked cheerfully.

"You don't want that. It's been there for months."

"Oh."

"I think this would be a good time to point out to Zetsu that there will be no eating of the customers," Itachi said.

"Yeah Zetsu! No eating the customers-un!" Deidara repeated.

"I don't care if Zetsu eats anyone, just as long as he doesn't accidentally eat their wallet! This is a MONEY-MAKING venture, so it's all about the money!" Ten bucks says you can guess who that was.

"Kakuzu… if Zetsu eats the customers, then they won't come back a second time," Hidan explained. Kakuzu looked horrified at the very thought.

"NO GOOD! NO GOOD! DON'T EAT THE CUSTOMERS!"

"He just wants to bleed them dry. THEN you can eat them-un," Deidara said.

"NOOOOO! NO EATING THE GODDAMN CUSTOMERS! HOW HARD IS IT TO UNDERSTAND?" Itachi finally roared. "Now let's get this shitty place cleaned up!"

"Itachi's on the rampage... I'd do what he says..." Tobi whispered.

"Yeah. I don't really want to be Mangekyoued this early in the morning..." Kisame agreed.

"CUSTOMERS AND MONEY! MONEY IS IMPORTANT!" Kakuzu shrieked.

"Yeesh, this organization's even crazier than it was when I first joined-un!" Deidara shouted.

To Be Continued!

Omake- Author's Comments

Sorry for the short chapter but I'm not feeling the best right now… the next chapter will be longer.

Why is it that whenever I go on vacation I get sick?

-GoesKaboom


	3. Chapter 3

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Three

"Are you serious? We're finally ready to open?!" Kakuzu asked. It had been a torturous three weeks of cleaning, painting, arguing, more cleaning, food fights, more arguing, cleaning up after said food fights and arguments, arguing more about who's turn it was to clean, and etcetera ad infinitum. "We're finally going to get CUSTOMERS?"

"Yeah," The Leader replied. "Make sure that they are happy. We open tomorrow morning."

"WHOOO! MONEYMONEYMONEYMONEY!" Kakuzu chanted.

"Uh… OK then," Itachi muttered to Deidara. "I think SOMEONE missed the 'Drugs are Bad' lecture in school…" Deidara snickered in agreement.

"I HEARD THAT!"

"I actually feel kind of sorry for our customers," Zetsu said. "At least I'm dealing with the menu. Kakuzu'd probably try to make them pay three grand for ONE latte."

"Wait- you mean we're charging less than three grand for a latte?" Kakuzu asked in shock. "How much are we charging then? Two grand?"

"NO, we're charging four bucks. Just like every other coffee shop in the world," Zetsu explained.

"YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN US!" Kakuzu shouted.

"Just shut up, dumbass! It's just a latte. We'll probably get enough customers that we'll make up the loss," Hidan said.

"YOU'RE THE DUMBASS, DUMBASS!" Kakuzu roared. "WE'LL GO BROKE!"

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP OR I'LL BLAST US ALL TO KINGDOM COME-UN!" Deidara bellowed, a clay bird-bomb at the ready. Needless to say, everybody shut the hell up. "Thank you. Now let's all go to sleep. We have a big day tomorrow."

-

* * *

-

Morning. The first customers were starting to trickle into Espresso Expresso.

"May I take your order?" Itachi asked.

"I'll take a Big-Ass Explosion of Flavor latte and an Akatsuki scone."

"May I take your order?"

"I'll have a Jumbo black coffee, please."

"May I take your order?"

"I'll have three Granola Cookies and a Medium Mocha latte."

"This is exhausting," Itachi gasped as he stumbled into the break room. "Deidara, please take over for me while I chug six straight shots of espresso. Maybe I shouldn't have volunteered to take the early shift. I can't handle getting up at 3 AM."

"Well, I get up at three anyway," Deidara said. "So it's not so bad for me. Sure. Take a break-un."

"Thanks."

However, Deidara was not as good a cashier as Itachi was. He kept dropping the money. "Rassin' frassin' stupid pain in the ass dollar bills-un!" was a really common phrase that morning.

"Stop swearing in front of the customers! They'll get freaked out!" Kakuzu barked upon hearing Deidara's irritated diatribe.

"Rrrr… you and your stupid money," Deidara muttered softly.

"OK, that's the last customer. Let's take a break before the afternoon shift shows up," Zetsu said.

To Be Continued!

Omake- Author's Comments

I'm feeling better today. I had a lot of fun writing this chapter, and I hope you enjoyed reading it. Thanks for reading!

-GoesKaboom


	4. Chapter 4

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Four

Kakashi had never showed up, so Team 7 had the day off from training. "Wanna go check out that new coffee shop?" Naruto asked.

"I hate coffee," Sasuke replied.

"Yeah, but you hate everything," Naruto countered.

"I could use a raspberry mocha latte," Sakura mumbled. She needed her caffeine fix.

"All right, all right," Sasuke finally said. "But I'm not drinking any coffee."

* * *

The bell above the door at Espresso Expresso clanged, and Itachi automatically said the standard greeting. "Welcome to Espresso Expresso. May I take your order."

"Holy shit! It's you!" Sasuke roared. "MUST KILL BROTHER! MUST KILL BROTHER!"

"Uh… what are you doing working in a coffee shop?" Naruto asked. "I thought you were supposed to be a psychotic criminal."

"Yeah, well, our leader decided to supplement our income by running a coffee shop," Itachi replied. "Now can you get my little bro off the counter? It's a health code violation." He pointed to where Sasuke was standing on the counter trying to Chidori Itachi.

"SASUKE-TEMEE! STOP ACTING LIKE AN IDIOT AND GET DOWN HERE!" Naruto yelled.

"MAKE ME!" Sasuke yelled back.

"I'll take care of this," Deidara whispered, coming out of the break room. He picked up a pot of hot coffee, snuck up behind Sasuke, and poured the contents on him

"OWWWW! HOTHOTHOT!" Sasuke screeched.

"Now you'd better buy something or get out," Itachi said darkly.

"I'll have one Big-Ass Raspberry Mocha Latte!" Sakura said. "Oh, and add a Pumpkin Muffin to the bill."  
"Coming right up-un," Deidara said.

"I'll have a Medium Super-Strength Extra Caffeinated Training Booster Cappuccino," Naruto added.

"Is that it?" Itachi asked.

"Yeah."

"That'll be $7.98," Itachi said.

-

* * *

-

Team 7 left with their drinks. "Mmmm… Sasuke, your brother makes a good cappuccino!" Naruto said. "I mean, damn, this is the best coffee I've had in a while!"

"How can you say that?" Sasuke gasped. "I mean, what if its poisoned?"

"I don't know, I think Naruto's right," Sakura added. "I mean, this is a really good latte."

"You all may have gone to the dark side, but I will never, ever allow this! My brother will not run a coffee shop!"

Omake- Author's Comments

This story is going on hiatus. I always said I'd never do that, but I don't like how the plot is going, so I am going to take a break and re-outline everything. Sorry for the inconvenience.

-GoesKaboom


	5. Chapter 5

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Five

"You know, Itachi, your brother could really interrupt business," Kisame said.

"Do you think I don't know that? If only there was a way to keep him out of the store…"

"What if you made a sign like those 'no shirt, no shoes, no service' signs you see at the McDonald's?" Deidara suggested.

"Deidara, he wears a shirt and shoes all the time," Itachi replied.

"Maybe you should have one that says, 'No entry to those with chicken-butt hair'-un?" Deidara countered. "I think it might work!"

"That's stupid," Kisame replied.

"Well, then, Einstein, let's hear YOUR brilliant plan!"

"If we can catch him stealing stuff or acting otherwise inappropriately, we can ban him from the shop for life, and it would be protected by the law," Kisame said.

"That's actually not a bad idea…" Itachi said. "But Deidara, we'll use your sign too."

--

The next morning, Team 7 decided to go back to the coffee shop. "SASUKE!" Naruto yelled. "NO ATTACKING ITACHI!"

"Yeah, if he dies that means the world will have lost the best barista ever!" Sakura agreed. Sasuke glared, but said nothing.

"Here they come!" Deidara said as he watched the group walk up the path. "Is that sign finished yet?"

"Yeah," Kisame said, tossing it to Deidara. "Put it in the window."

--

"Mmm… I can taste that latte already!" Sakura said.

"Why the hell are we standing around outside? I want my coffee!" Naruto yelled. Then, he noticed the sign in the window. "No entry to those with chicken-butt hair? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!"M

"Sorry Sasuke…" Sakura said. "I guess you will have to wait outside."

"I do not have chicken-butt hair!" Sasuke retorted and stormed inside.

"Here he is," Deidara muttered to Itachi. "Do you have everything ready-un?"

"Yeah… the fake blood capsules, the already shattered mug… everything is ready!" Itachi replied. Then, turning to the customers, he said, "Welcome to Espresso Expresso! May I take your order?"

"The usual, Itachi," Sakura said.

"Same," Naruto agreed.

"I will have… black coffee…" Sasuke spat. Itachi looked at him.

"Coming right up," he said, placing three mugs on the counter. But as soon as Sasuke touched the mug, Deidara detonated an explosive, Sasuke turned around in shock, Kisame replaced the whole cup with the fragmented one, and Itachi used the fake blood capsule to look like he was the victim of an explosion. All within a range of a few seconds. Amazing, huh?

"Oh… you've wounded me!" Itachi gasped, silently cursing the script that Deidara had made him memorize.

"YOU BASTARD!" Kisame yelled. "What if Itachi dies?"

"Uh…" was all Sasuke could say.

"Sasuke-temee, you've gone too far!" Naruto screamed.

"Yeah!" Sakura agreed. "You know what? Ino can have you! I don't want to go out with a bastard like you!"

"Uchiha Sasuke, you are banned from this shop for life," Kisame said. "Now get out. You two can stay." And Sasuke left.

--

"Yeesh, we had to go to all that trouble just to keep my bro from destroying the shop!" Itachi said once Sasuke had left.

"Are you OK?" Sakura asked, concerned.

"Yeah, the whole thing was just a setup to keep him from killing us," Itachi explained.

"Oh. That's good," Naruto said. "I mean, it's not good that you lied, but it's good he didn't kill you."

"Yeah," Itachi agreed.

To Be Continued!

Omake- Author's Comments

I've been writing this chapter for the past three months… I think I finally know the direction in which I am going to take this story. So… WE ARE OFF HIATUS!

-GoesKaboom


	6. Chapter 6

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Six

"Guess what, guys?" Kakuzu said one fine day.

"Uh… lemme guess…" Zetsu started. "You destroyed another casino when you didn't double your money?"

"Or I know!" Hidan snorted. "He won the lottery and came to tell us that he won't be coming back to work!"

"Or he lost the lottery and killed everyone involved…" Deidara smirked. Kakuzu glared at all of them.

"I guess you all don't want your paychecks."

"PAYCHECKS, WHERE!?" Deidara yelped, jumping off the break room couch. "I need my paycheck! I am going to go out DRINKING-UN!"

"You'll do nothing of the kind," Kakuzu said. "I know you'll come into work tomorrow hung over, so that's why I'm putting all of your money in an account."

"That sucks! I need to get new hair ties," Itachi snarled. "Give me my money!"

"Yeah, and I was supposed to go visit my cousin this afternoon!" Kisame retorted. "I can't pay for the bus ticket unless I have my paycheck!"

"Fine…" Kakuzu said irritably, throwing the envelopes containing the money onto the table. "But you all had better be here tomorrow, ready to work. And I think you all should focus on investing! What about your futures?"

"The future is NOW!" **(1) **Deidara yelled, snatching up his envelope and running out the door. The others followed suit.

--

"BWAHAHAAHA…. Itachi what was that about hair ties?!" Deidara laughed. "Do you think Kakuzu actually bought that-un?"

"Well, I couldn't very well tell him that I planned to get drunk too," Itachi replied, sipping his margarita.

"Yeah, Kakuzu can be such a stick-in-the-mud," Deidara agreed. "I wonder what he plans to do with his paycheck?"

--

Back at the lair, Kakuzu was poring over the stock reports. "I wonder if I should trade off my Microsoft stock?"

--

"WOO! TAKE IT ALL OFF!" Itachi was currently dancing on the bar, stripping for a crowd of women (and a few men).

"Oh god, Kakuzu is going to kill us if he doesn't get off of there right now," Zetsu mumbled to Tobi.

"Yeah…" Tobi agreed.

"I KNEW I should have gone with Kisame to visit his cousin…"

Meanwhile, Hidan was busy trying to convert the bartender. "So if you follow Lord Jashin, you can gain immortality, and you'll never have to worry about dealing with all the fuckers who come through this bar every day!" The bartender nodded.

Finally, it was closing time. Everyone shuffled off back to the lair.

"Da starzes, Itachi, I can touch da starzes-un!" Deidara slurred.

"Yeah. Next time you're not getting more than two drinks!" Itachi retorted.

"Bleh…" Deidara choked.

"Oh no you don't! You are not getting sick on me!"

"Kakuzu is REALLY going to kill us," Tobi said.

TO BE CONTINUED!

Omake-Author's Comments

(1)- I once had an English substitute that said that exact phrase… so corny, yet so funny. 

Ah, paychecks. Paychecks make the world go round! XD

I know this chapter didn't have much to do with coffee, but it will make sense next chapter.

Thanks for reading!

-GoesKaboom


	7. Chapter 7

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Seven

Deidara woke up the morning following his bar escapade with the headache to end all headaches. "Ugh…" he groaned, swinging his feet over the bed. "Do I really have to work today-un?" Then, he immediately ran to the toilet and vomited. Yeah. Someone wasn't going to be very productive even if he did go to work, so he crawled back into bed and pulled the blankets over his head.

--

Meanwhile, at the coffee shop, Kakuzu was ready to throw a fit. "WHERE THE HELL IS DEIDARA!?" he screamed.

"Uh…" Zetsu sweat-dropped.

"If Deidara-sempai's drunkenness last night was any indication he will not be coming into work today," Tobi mumbled. Kakuzu crossed the room in a few steps and looked Tobi squarely in the eyes.

"What was that?" he asked, his voice a deadly calm. Tobi gulped.

"Uh, well, Deidara-sempai was kinda… inebriated last night." he replied. Kakuzu's face was unreadable.

"How inebriated?"

"Pretty inebriated."

"THAT DUMBASS! I TOLD HIM THAT HE HAD TO BE READY TO WORK TODAY! WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING?" Kakuzu yelled. Tobi flinched, but Kakuzu kept going. "THAT IDIOT! EVERY TIME HE SHOWS UP LATE HE WASTES MONEY!"

Just as Kakuzu was finishing his tirade, the bell above the door to the shop clanged and in walked what seemed to be an entire office building of workers.

"Oh shiznit," Itachi said.

"Shiznit is right," Tobi agreed.

"We would like… uh… 206 mochas, 75 black coffees, 152 cappuccinos, 13 milk teas, and 12 iced green teas for the staff meeting today," the leader said. Kakuzu's eyes lit up. That amount- well, it would bring quite a fair sum of money, so he charged into the break room and woke up the others.

"EVERYBODY START MAKING COFFEE!" he yelled.

"That stupid Deidara!" Itachi complained. "Now I have to do twice as much work since that lazy idiot probably has the hangover of the century!"

"Now, now, Itachi," Kisame consoled. "Tobi is taking more than his fair share of the work."

"It still pisses me off…" Itachi replied.

--

After the horde had left with their coffee, Kakuzu retreated to the break room to count the newly acquired money, and Zetsu collapsed in one of the chairs for the customers.

"Woof. I hope we don't get another crowd like that for a while," he sighed.

"Damn straight," Hidan agreed, fanning himself.

"Well, someone had better go get Deidara out of bed and to work before Kakuzu kills him," Kisame said.

"I'll go," Tobi replied, heading out the door to cure a hangover.

To Be Continued!

Omake- Author's Comments

It is 5:15 AM and I really should be doing some last-minute cramming for my test later today, but ya know what? I'd rather write:D

-GoesKaboom


	8. Chapter 8

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Eight

"Deidara-sempai… Deidara-sempai…DEIDARA-SEMPAI!" Deidara made a soft growling noise. He could have sworn he heard Tobi's voice, but it couldn't be. Tobi was supposed to be at Espresso Expresso doing his job. What in the heck would he be doing back at the house? "DEIDARA-SEMPAI!!!!!" Finally, Deidara turned over and blinked, Tobi's masked face coming into focus.

"Tobi… what are you doing?" he asked. "I thought you were supposed to be at work-un!"

"I was… but you need to get over there, pronto, or Kakuzu's going to kill us both!" Deidara groaned.

"Do I have to?" he whined.

"Get in the car," Tobi instructed. "We're going to work."

--

"Do you think Tobi will actually be able to get Deidara here without getting his ass kicked?" Itachi asked.

"Heh… it's doubtful," Hidan responded.

"I'll wager one Peppermint Mocha that Deidara kicks his ass," Kisame said.

"You're on!" Zetsu replied.

"We're back!" Tobi called, as he stepped into the shop leading Deidara by the hand.

"Fork over the coffee," Zetsu said to a shocked Kisame. "Deidara didn't kick Tobi's ass."

"…"

"Is that stupid slacker here yet?!" Kakuzu shrieked. "WHERE IS DEIDARA!"

"Don't yell, I'm here-un." Deidara replied.

"You missed the major rush," Kakuzu said. "Your pay will be cut as a result."

"Fine," Deidara said, just wanting to get his duties over with. He wanted to go home and go back to sleep.

--

Luckily for Deidara, there was no more crazy crowd that day. He served Naruto and Sakura their usual coffee drinks, sold an old lady a mocha, and made green tea for a group of giggling high school students, and it was time to close the shop.

"Oh, you locked up already?" Itachi asked as Deidara put the key in his pocket.

"Yeah."

"Thanks."

--

But, all was not well at the Espresso Expresso shop. The lock in the back door was broken, and no one knew it. A dark figure slunk around the back, jiggled the handle, and slipped inside of the shop.

To Be Continued!


	9. Chapter 9

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Nine

The dark figure stepped inside into the shop, and looked around. He pulled off his ski mask, and shook his hair out. Sasuke stepped up behind the counter. "Heh. Idiots didn't even lock the back door." Moving quickly, he emptied the cash register into a bag. Then, he smashed up the coffee pots and destroyed the display case.

"There. I'd like to see those bastards open the shop tomorrow like. And with this cash, well, I can finally buy that Ferrari!" He smirked evilly. "Espresso Expresso is HISTORY!" Then he continued to wreck up the place, using a few well-placed Chidori around the shop, until it looked more or less like it did before the Akatsuki fixed it up.

--

The next morning, when Kakuzu showed up to open the shop, he noticed that the window was broken. "Damn it! I told those kids not to play with that baseball right next to the shop!" he muttered, before stepping into the shop. Then his eyes almost popped out of his head. "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED HERE?!"

"What are you stopping for?" Itachi asked. "We open in- HOLY SHIT!"

"You see it too? This isn't a nightmare?" Kakuzu said weakly.

"If it is we're having the same nightmare," Itachi replied. He stepped into the shop and picked up the charred remains of a chair. "This has SASUKE written all over it."

--

"Are you kidding me?!" Zetsu demanded, stepping into the shop twenty minutes later. "Itachi's vindictive little brother did this?"

"That's what we think," Kakuzu replied. "There are marks from the Chidori use all over the shop. AND THE LITTLE ASSHOLE EMTPIED THE CASH REGISTER!"

"Hmmm… I suggest a rectal cherry bomb!" Deidara said. "I'll go hunt him down now-un!"

"Hold on, Deidara," Kisame calmed him. "We should at least make sure that Sasuke is the culprit. We wouldn't want to waste cherry bombs on Sasuke unless we're 100 percent sure that he did it."

"But I want to blast him anyway…" Deidara answered sadly.

"The first thing we need to do is see if Sasuke made any huge major purchases since last night," Itachi said. "Then we'll know for sure." Just as he said that, a red Ferrari zoomed past the wreckage of the coffee shop. Sasuke was behind the wheel.

"Does that answer your question, Itachi?" Zetsu said.

"…"

"LET'S KICK HIS ASS!" Deidara yelled.

"But first we're going to get this shop ready for business," Kakuzu replied. "Time is money, and we're losing more money by the second."

--

Sasuke smirked. They would never figure out who was behind the trashing of the shop and the theft of the money. And he was loving his new car! He stretched luxuriously. Life was good. At least, that's what he THOUGHT.

To Be Continued!

Omake- Author's Comments

Oh, foolish Sasuke. You're just digging your grave deeper.


	10. Chapter 10

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Ten

It was another three hours before the trashed shop was restored to some semblance of order and ready to be opened

"Dammit Kakuzu!" Deidara yelled. "Don't you want to get revenge for the destruction?"

"Yeah I do!" Kakuzu agreed. "But money comes first!"

"Can't we kick ass then worry about money-un?" came Deidara's disgruntled reply. "I mean, I really want to blast him!"

"Oh don't worry Deidara, you'll get to blast him," Itachi smirked. "And I want to be right there watching you."

"ALL RIGHT! LET'S GO!"

"OK, OK, Fine, if it's that important to you all to kick Sasuke's ass you all can take the rest of this shift off. But you'll all be getting a pay cut!"

"Whatever," Zetsu replied. "I want to get back at that little as swipe for Chidori-ing my Auntie Rosebud's family recipe box!"

"He did that?" Kisame asked, horrified. "Doesn't he have any standards?"

"Guess not. No offense, Itachi, but your mama didn't raise your brother to have respect. Some things are sacred!" Zetsu said.

"None taken," Itachi replied.

"LET'S GO ALREADY!" Deidara screamed.

--

Sasuke lazed in his chair, scarfing down a box of expensive Belgian chocolate he'd bought with the money he'd stolen from the shop. "Ahh… this is the life," he sighed. "Those idiots won't have a clue what happened to their money until they've been in the grave for quite a while!"

"Oh really now?" a cold voice replied. Sasuke almost fell out of his chair in shock.

"Who's there?" he gasped.

"Oh, you know me quite well, foolish little brother," Itachi said, stepping into the light. "I know you hate me, and 'you're going to take revenge' and 'you'll never forgive me' and you're going to 'kill me' and you 'see me dead' and all that mess, but do you have to bring my coworkers into it? That wasn't even my money."  
"Anyone who is your ally is my enemy," was Sasuke's response. Itachi sighed.

"I guess this can't be helped… DEIDARA!"

"Yo," Deidara said, dropping in through a hole he'd cut in the ceiling. "Tell me where to shove the explosives-un."

"I don't know… I was thinking blast this whole place," Itachi replied, a slight smirk playing around his lips. Deidara cackled evilly.

"All right! Let's do this thing!" It only took a few minutes to duct-tape Sasuke to the wall and wire the place to explode within seconds after pushing the detonator.

"Hey, can I key his car?" Tobi asked gleefully.

"Be my guest," Zetsu replied.

"NOOOO! MY CAR!" Sasuke screamed.

"3-2-1 BLAST OFF-UN!"

"Uh… Deidara? This isn't a space launch."

To Be Continued!


	11. Chapter 11

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Eleven

Such a big boom was never heard before in the land of Konoha. "Oooh… ahh… pretty…" people said as the pyrotechnic delight that was the explosion of Sasuke's house shone in the sky.

"Wow… if I say so, this is the pinnacle of artistic achievement-un!" Deidara said happily. "And to think it was my explosives!"

"YO! Pass the popcorn this way, Zetsu!" Hidan yelled, taking a handful from the bag.

"Where did you guys get that?" Kakuzu asked, his eyes darkening.

"From Sasuke's house," Tobi replied, his mouth stuffed with the traditional movie treat.

"Oh. Ok. As long as it's not paid for with money from the till," Kakuzu answered. Once the fireworks had stopped, everyone went back to the shop. The nemesis had been defeated and had gone up in a blaze!

--

"HEY! CAN WE GET A BIG-ASS TRIPLE ESPRESSO MOCHA LATTE WITH CARAMEL SYRUP AND WHIPPED CREAM FOR THE LADY HERE?" Kakuzu yelled.

"Coming right up!" Kisame said, passing the latte across the counter to the customer.

"Thank you," she said. As she exited the shop, a tall, dark man in a suit entered.

"Can I help you, sir?" Kisame asked politely. The man took off his hat and glared.

"I am McSnoot, the food critic. I'm here from the newspaper to review your service."

"I thought you only reviewed nice restaurants… this is more like a Starbucks," Kisame explained. McSnoot glared even more.

"I am aware of that. However, there have not been any new restaurants opened in the area in several months and the people are craving criticism of an eating establishment. As I have no desire to review the local McDonald's, this shop fits the bill." He then took out a notebook and pen and sat at the table. Kisame looked nervous.

"Kakuzu, what do I do?" he asked.

"Just give him what he asks for," Kakuzu replied.  
"Why did this have to happen while everyone else was on lunch break?" Kisame lamented. But he mustered up the courage to ask McSnoot what he wanted.

"Give me… everything on the menu," the critic replied.

To Be Continued!

Omake- Author's Comments

I have been awake for the past 48 hours so please excuse any spelling or grammar mistakes… I really hate air travel.

I hope everyone has a happy new year:D

-GoesKaboom


	12. Chapter 12

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Twelve

While Kisame and Kakuzu prepared McSnoot's food, the critic looked around the shop. "Tacky decor," he mumbled as he wrote in a notebook. "Crude naming strategy," he added as he spotted the poster that had the different sizes of cup you could order for your coffee. "Tell me…what is the purpose of naming a size 'big ass'?"

""Well, sir," Kisame began. "It is supposed to add a certain comedic air to the shop." McSnoot snarled.

"Comedy is the lowest form of entertainment and it certainly has no place in fine eating establishments. Carry on." Kisame and Kakuzu looked at each other.

"Why did everyone have to be on lunch break at the Golden Panda?" Kisame asked. "We run an EATING ESTABLISHMENT, why do they have to go out for lunch?"

"Itachi really wanted black pepper chicken and it's cheaper to have them eat at the Chinese takeaway than here, since I'd have to deduct their wages if they ate at the shop," Kakuzu explained. Kisame sighed.

"That makes sense in the most messed-up way…"

"Hm… lazy service…" a voice said, jarring both out of their thoughts. They had almost forgotten about McSnoot. 

"Here you go sir, part of your order. It will take some time to make everything on the menu, so we're going to stagger it if that's OK with you," Kakuzu said politely.

"What is this?" McSnoot asked.

"White-chocolate-raspberry latte and a Graveyard Coookie," was Kakuzu's response. McSnoot looked disgusted.

"Graveyard cookie? What is that?"

"Oh! It's an old family recipe of one of our employees," Kakuzu hurriedly explained. "You know how some family traditions get the weirdest names and you can't change it because you don't want to break tradition? That's what happened with the cookies." McSnoot glared at the food and picked up his pencil.

"Unappetizing names for food…"

"Dammit!" Kakuzu swore once he was back in the kitchen. "Why is this guy so fucking hard to please?"

"Don't ask me!" Kisame squawked. "I'm making coffee as fast as I can." Suddenly, the kitchen door blasted open and McSnoot stood in the entry way.

"Will you two get a move on? I have been waiting for twenty minutes! I do not like to be kept waiting."

"Uh… sir… we gave you coffee and a cookie to help the wait," Kisame said.

"Well, the latte was passable, but I refuse to eat anything with the name 'Graveyard Cookie'," McSnoot complained. Kakuzu had to resist the urge to throttle the irritating critic.

"Please try this mint choclate scone then," he said, his voice as polite as he could possibly make it. Once McSnoot had left, he mumbled to Kisame, "Go. Get those lazy bums off their lunch break. I'll deal with McSnoot, just get the staff in here!"

To Be Continued!

Omake- Author's Comments

Happy New Year! Here's hoping that everyone has a great 2008!

-GoesKaboom


	13. Chapter 13

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Thirteen

"Yum!" Itachi said happily, chowing down on his chicken. "This is great! And you know that this costs so much less than eating at the shop."

"Yeah..." Deidara agreed, starting his sixth bowl of soup. "Kakuzu is so cheap. You'd think we'd get an employee discount-un!"

"Well, that bastard has never been open to selling anything for less than ten times it's estimated price," Hidan mumbled once he'd swallowed his Pepsi. "You know what he's like."

"He's the kind of guy who'd steal his grandmother's television and sell it back to her for six thousand " Zetsu only half-joked. Everyone around the table looked at each other.

"Hey! Waiter! More Dr. Pepper!" Tobi called. Everyone was enjoying their lunch break when a disturbance in the front of the restaurant caught their attention.

"Sir, you have to let me into the dining room1 My co-workers are in there on their lunch break and there's an emergemcy at work!" a familiar voice yelled. "I don't care if you don't have an open table, I'm not here to eat! I'm here to get my co-workers back to the office!"

"Oh please tell me that's not Kisame..." Deidara sighed.

"Sadly, I think it is..." Zetsu said.

"Look, this is a matter of keeping our jobs!" Kisame's voice cut across their discussion. "Do you want to be responsible for contributing to the soaring unemployment statistics?"

"It's OK, Kisame, we're here,"Itachi said calmingly once they'd gotten up to the front of the restaurant. "What's going on?"

"I'm so sorry, sir," the hostess said. "This guy said he knows you and you're his co-workers."

"We are," Itachi replied.

"You all need to get back to the shop as fast as possible!" Kisame was freaking out by this point. "McSnoot is there! And he's reviewing our shop."

"McSnoot? ARE YOU ON CRACK!?" Hidan yelled. "He only reviews NICE restaurants! Not coffee shops! I can't believe you interrupted our lunchbreak for this!"

"Actually, I believe him," the hostess interrupted. "There hasn't been a good restaurant open in this town for three months except some little coffee shop... McSnoot had to review something."

"OH NO!" Itachi yelled. "McSnoot hasn't favorably reviewed anything in years! We're screwed!"

"Kakuzu sent me to get all your lazy asses back to the shop NOW!" Kisame yelled.

"What are we waiting for!" Hidan yelled.

"Let's get back to work!" Zetsu yelled.

"Let's keep our jobs-un!" Deidara yelled.

"Wait- what about your bill?" the hostess called after them, three seconds before getting hit on the head with a flying wallet.

"keep the change!" Tobi's voice called back as they ran toward Espresso Expresso.

To Be Continued!


	14. Chapter 14

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Fourteen

"Hmm... problematically understaffed..." McSnoot noted in that infernal notebook. "Disgusting names, tacky décor... I do not know what else to say about this shop."Kakuzu looked at the ground.

"Sir, if you will please just wait a few moments my coworkers will be back from lunch break," he said. McSnoot just laughed.

"Oh, even if your coworkers were perfect people you wouldn't be able to save this little restaurant. After my review is published, you will be forced to close this little shack down! MUAHAHAHA!" And with that, McSnoot closed the notebook with a snap and strode out of the shop.

"Yo, where's McSnoot?" Zetsu asked as he walked into Espresso Expresso. Kakuzu just shook his head.

"He's gone."

"Gone? But he didn't even sample our food!" Itachi exclaimed.

"He said he'd seen everything he needed to in order to write his scathing review..." Kakuzu's voice trailed off. "We're finished."

--

The next day, everyone was awakened by a loud cry. "HOLY SHIT-UN!"

"What is it, Deidara? Did you accidentally blow up your breakfast again?" a groggy Itachi asked as he shuffled into the lair's kitchen. Deidara was sitting at the table, shaking, but his bowl of Cheerios was intact.

"Kakuzu was right...we're finished," he muttered, handing the newspaper to Itachi, who scanned the headlines.

"Huh... guess that old lady Tsunade finally won something gambling... oh, the price of chakra pills is going up again... that's not good. Oooh! That actress Tobi likes is getting divorced... I'll have to tell him," he read. "Uh... Deidara? What is so bad about this newspaper?"

"You idiot, read the bottom column!" Deidara yelled.

"Espresso Expresso: On the fast track to failure," Itacih read. "Huh." And then he proceded to read the article.

"Espresso Expresso at first glance seems like your typical coffee shop, but upon stepping inside this dingy little hole in the wall, you'll soon wish you hadn't. The décor is ugly and tacky, the names of the food are crude, the service is lazy, and the prices are exorbitant."

"Hehehe... 'exorbitant' is such a big word for such a big idiot," Kakuzu chimed in. Itachi turned around.

"Oh hi. I didn't know you were there."

"Don't mind me, keep reading. I want to know what that asshole said." Itachi nodded.

"The staff of Espresso Expresso seem to be on permanent lunch break, and those who were actually at work doing their jobs were incompetent slobs."

"HOW DARE HE CALL US INCOMPETENT!" Kisame roared. "We were working our asses off to serve him!" Itachi glared.

"Will you shut up and let me finish?" he asked.

"Sorry."

"They gave me something called a 'graveyard cookie', which I didn't eat since it sounds so nasty. It was even a gray color."

"Yeah! Because when you mix the oats in with the chocolate chips it turns a gray color!" Zetsu interjected. "I modified the recipe so it wouldn't be REAL graveyard dirt! That bastard is hating on my family recipe!"

"Calm yourself, Zetsu," Kakuzu said. "And go get ready for work."

"Can I continue?" Itachi asked. When the others nodded, he read on. "Please do not visit Espresso Expresso. You will thank me for this later. -E. McSnoot."

"Get your stuff together and GET INTO WORK!" Kakuzu screeched. "We're going to show McSnoot that one bad review won't bring us down!"

To Be Continued!

Omake- Author's Comments

I apologize for the wait between chapters, and to tell you the truth, I honestly can't tell you when the next update will be. I've been dealing with some personal stuff and I really just haven't been in the mood to write.

McSnoot really is an asshole, isn't he?

Thanks for reading.

-GoesKaboom


	15. Chapter 15

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Fifteen

Kakuzu's sentiments may have been good, but sadly, the entire town seemed to have read McSnoot's terrible review of the shop. Three hours passed from opening time, and not a single customer came in. "This sucks," Zetsu said. "There are so many more productive things I could be doing at this time than sitting here in an empty coffee shop waiting for customers who aren't going to come! I could be watching paint dry, or grass grow, or standing in line at the DMV..." Deidara snorted.

"Yeah! Or I could be watching the toaster waiting for the toast to pop-un!" he added. The two of them laughed. Kakuzu glared.

"Don't be so insubordinate!" he yelled. "We'll get customers, just you wait."

"Yeah... maybe we'll get a customer before we're old men in the nursing home..." Deidara whispered behind Kakuzu's back, getting a laugh from Zetsu.

Two more hours passed, and they did not get a single customer. Deidara and Zetsu were sick of tic-tac-toe and hangman, and Kakuzu was getting discouraged. "Why don't we close up early?" he sighed. Deidara and Zetsu looked at him in shock.

"Are you serious!?" Zetsu yelped.

"I never thought I'd see the day you would give up the chance to make money-un!" Deidara replied. Kakuzu glared at him.

"We're wasting money by leaving the electricity on when there's no one buying anything," was all he was able to say.

--

When the three of them returned to the lair, Itachi spoke. "What are you doing here? I thought closing time was nine P.M... it's only six."

"Well, we had no customers all day," Zetsu replied.

"Damn that McSnoot!" Kakuzu yelled, slamming his fist into the wall. "Where does he get off doing all this? Is he trying to ruin the shop?"

"Ah, he's just a sadistic bastard..." a voice behind them said. They whirled around to see Hidan standing there.

"Uh... if he's a sadistic bastard, then what does that make you?" Kakuzu asked. Hidan rolled his eyes.

"This review could turn out to be a blessing in disguise..." he said. "Jashin has plans for us. I'm sure of it."

"Not more of your religion crap!" Kakuzu exploded. "We're running out of money and you sit here yakking at me over your religion!" Hidan smirked.

"Kakuzu, your heathen mind will not be able to comprehend this, but Jashin works in mysterious ways. Maybe if I am faithful enough, he will use this article to bring in customers! Now, I'm off to go pray." And Hidan slunk off.

"That guy really pisses me off... " Kakuzu said quietly, looking at Hidan's retreating back.

"Well, if it will up sales let him pray..." Deidara replied.

--

The next morning, there was already a line outside of the shop. "What the hell?" Kakuzu gasped.

"Told you, fucker," Hidan replied.

"Whatever. Just let them in the shop and start making coffee!"

"Sir, is this Espresso Expresso?" a thin woman asked Kakuzu.

"Uh.. yes it is," he replied.

"Is it really as bad as McSnoot said it was in his review?"

"No it's not!" Deidara said defensively. "Why don't you try our coffee and see for yourself-un?"

To Be Continued!


	16. Chapter 16

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Sixteen

"Get your lazy asses moving!" Kakuzu roared. "Deidara, don't forget the whipped cream on that mocha!"

"But we're out of whipped cream!" Deidara said defensively. "Hidan used the last of it on that girl's iced green tea latte-un!"

"WELL THEN GO GET SOME MORE! And Tobi where do you think you're going?"

"I need a bathroom break!" Tobi replied.

"No you don't. Keep making coffee!" Kakuzu yelled.

"Kakuzu! The espresso machine is broken! And Itachi's trying to Mangekyou it!" Kisame shrieked. "How can we make coffee if the machine is broken?" In one bound, Kakuzu reached the coffee maker.

"You dumbass!" he yelled at Itachi. "DON'T MANGEKYOU THE DAMN COFFEE MACHINE!"

"Hmph..." Itachi replied.

FINALLY, all technical difficulties aside, the people were given their coffee.

"Damn, this is good!" someone said.

"What the hell is McSnoot talking about?" another said. "This is delicious!"

"The décor isn't tacky at all!" another replied.

"WE'LL TAKE A CRATE TO GO!" someone else screeched. "I'M GOING TO SHARE IT AT MY OFFICE!"

--

Finally, the crowd left. "Yeesh. Why does it seem that we either have a whole herd of people or no customers at all?" Itachi mused.

"I don't know and I don't care," Kakuzu said. "All I care about is that we brought in the most money that we ever have today! ALL RIGHT!"

--

A little ways outside of town, in a small apartment, McSnoot typed on his laptop. "I cannot believe it! I thought I trashed that little shop! I though no one would EVER go there after my review!? What happened?" Suddenly, his cell phone rang. "Hello?"

"Yo. This is the newspaper," the voice on the other end of the phone said.

"Yes?!" McSnoot asked. "What do you want me to review now?"

"Actually, that's why I'm calling. You're fired," the voice said.

"WHAT!?"

"I honestly don't know what you were thinking! Espresso Expresso is a wonderful shop! And the coffee is delicious. I went there today to see if it was really as bad as you said it was. And you were wrong. I wonder how many other perfectly good restaurants you have driven out of business with your reviews? Have a good day." And the voice on the other end promptly hung up, leaving a very confused McSnoot in its wake.

To Be Continued!


	17. Chapter 17

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Seventeen

With McSnoot vanquished, life at Espresso Expresso returned to normal. Customers ordered coffee, Deidara aquired a taste for frozen green tea, Kakuzu counted money- life was pretty typical. But then, one day, a certain person shuffled into the shop.

"Can I help- HOLY SHIT!" Hidan yelled. "It's SASUKE!" Everyone who had been in the break room charged into the shop.

"What are you doing here?" Itachi asked suspiciously. "I thought you were dead..."

"Can I blast him-un?" Deidara asked.

"No, Sempai! It's not a good idea!" Tobi shrieked, stepping between Sasuke and Deidara. "We should ask him what his order is."

"Can it, you," Sasuke said. "I'm here to settle up with you guys for trashing my house and almost killing me. I won't forgive you!"

"Oh, that's what this is about?" Kakuzu asked. "Is that all?"

"Yes, that's all."

"Well, here, then. As much as it pains me to say this... have a... _f-f-fr-free_ biscotti," Kakuzu sputtered out, taking a twenty-five cent, factory-produced cookie wrapped in cellophane and handing it to Sasuke.

"Wow! Kakuzu gave away something for free!" Kisame said, surprised.

"There! Now we're even!" Zetsu said. "Do you know painful that was for him?" Sasuke stared at the biscotti.

"That's all I get for this... this... _humiliation_ you imposed on me? A _**COOKIE**_?" Sasuke finally yelled.

"Uh... yeah, pretty much," Hidan said.

"YOU BASTARDS! YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT!"

"Dude... it's just a biscotti!" Deidara said consolingly. "It's not like we gave you something bad!I personally like those biscotti-un." Sasuke glared.

"You have no idea! One biscotti will not make up for anything!"

"Sorry Kakuzu, but I have to do this," Itachi said. "Otherwise we might never get rid of him." And Itachi picked up another biscotti. Kakuzu looked like he was about to have a coronary.

"Please tell me that's not going to be... _f-f-free..._" Itachi nodded. "NOOOOO!"

"There, you now have two biscottis. Get lost, foolish little brother."

"I AM GOING TO SUE!" Sasuke screamed, chucking the biscotti at Deidara, who yelped and ducked. Sasuke stormed out of the shop.

"Wow... I've never seen anyone who hates biscotti so much..." Tobi said.

To Be Continued!

Author's Comment

Oops. In the fifth paragraph I had accidentally written McSnoot instead of Sasuke. Thank you very much to **layafel **and **JenKonoha** for pointing it out. :)


	18. Chapter 18

Espresso Expresso 

Chapter Eighteen 

Well, he may have threatened lawsuit, but a month went by, and Sasuke had taken no action against the coffee shop (or its owners). 

"Heh... I guess he finally accepted the biscotti!" Tobi said cheerfully, munching on a scone Zetsu had baked fresh. "Maybe he won't sue us at all!" 

"Hopefully not..." Zetsu replied, looking down at the tray of scones. "Hey, where did that scone go... TOBI! YOU'D BETTER BE PAYING FOR THAT!" 

"Yeesh, you're starting to sound like Kakuzu," Tobi said, finishing his scone and tossing a crumpled bill on the counter. "There- there's some money!" 

"Tobi, this is one dollar!" Zetsu yelled, upon unfolding the bill. 

"Hmm... you'd better be holding on to that money, since you're going to be needing it to pay the settlement!" a sarcastic voice laughed. Zetsu and Tobi looked up into the smug mug of Sasuke Uchiha. 

"Get out of here!" Tobi yelped. "You're not supposed to be in here! Plus we gave you free biscotti! You should be happy!" Sasuke glared

"A cookie is not enough to compensate for all the mental pain I have suffered at the hands of you and your pathetic coffee shop!" he exploded. "I'm suing for emotional damages and destruction of property! You stupid coffee-making criminals are going to PAY! Both literally and figuratively." Zetsu blinked, then smirked. 

"You know, my sister just emailed me a new recipe this morning," he said slowly, picking up some utensils. "And I've been wanting to try it... and you look to be just the right weight. Tobi, get the olive oil and the rice vinegar. It's LUNCHTIME!" Sasuke paled. 

"No! You can't!" 

"Oh yes I can..." Zetsu replied, showing his sharp teeth. Suddenly, an unfamiliar person with a laptop case walked into the shop. 

"I suggest you put the fork down and step away from my client," the unfamiliar person said. Zetsu did as he was told. "Now Sasuke, what are you planning to sue for again?" 

"Reckless endangerment, emotional damages, and loss of property," Sasuke said with a smirk, running over to his lawyer. "And can you sue for intent to eat?" 

"I think reckless endangerment covers that," the lawyer replied. 

"Good. That plant was going to EAT me!" 

"Like I would eat something like that... I'd probably get food poisioning!" Zetsu muttered under his breath to Tobi. 

"What's going on out here? Why aren't you two working?" Kakuzu demanded to know, coming out of the break room where he'd been doing the accounting. "Time is money!" 

"Are you in charge of this establishment?" the lawyer asked Kakuzu, who surveyed him cooly. 

"What's it to you?" he asked. 

"I am representing my client, who is planning to sue you," the lawyer said.

"Ulp..." Kakuzu gulped audibly. 

To Be Continued! 

Omake- Author's Comments

And so the lawsuit begins.

Anyway, spring is almost here! I'm so happy- I can't wait for it to get warmer! I really dislike the cold. 

Thanks for reading! 

-GoesKaboom 


	19. Chapter 19

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Nineteen

"Lawsuit?" Kakuzu asked nervously. "I can't imagine why!"

"Save it for the judge," the lawyer said cooly. "I expect to see you in court on the 14th."

"Yeah, yeah," Kakuzu replied, trying to pass it off as no big deal, but inside, he was ready to crap his pants. The idea of losing his precious money was really terrifying him. Once the lawyer left, he ran to the telephone and picked it up. "I didn't want to do this," he said as he dialed a number, "But I think I'm going to have to call Pein-sama."

The phone in the Akatsuki lair started ringing off the hook just as Pein had gotten in the bath. "KONAN!" he yelled. "CAN YOU PICK UP THE PHONE?" he yelled from the bathroom. No response. Cursing under his breath, he jumped out of the tub and wrapped a towel around himself, then made a mad dash for the phone. "WHAT!?" he barked irritably into the reciever.

"Pein-sama?" Kakuzu asked.

"What do you need? Do I need to order another espresso machine? Do you need more money? You all want vacation time?"

"Well... um..."

"Spit it out, man!" Pein shrieked. "I'm a busy person! I got things to do!"

"We're, uh... being sued..." Kakuzu said quickly. 1 second, 2 seconds, 3 seconds...

"YOU WHAT!?"

"It's not anyone's fault! That Uchiha thought he'd get back at us by suing us and taking all of our precious money! Maybe even shut us down!" Kakuzu hurriedly explained.

"ITACHI DID WHAT!?"

"No! Not Itachi! The other one. Sasuke. He wants revenge on Itachi, and he decided it might be worth it to take the rest of us down with him!" Pein wanted to bang his head on the desk, and scream, and swear, but he decided against it. Instead, he took a deep breath and asked,

"Well, what do you intend to do about it?"

"I need to find a lawyer," Kakuzu replied. Pein sighed.

"I'll look for one," he answered.

"Thank you!" Kakuzu replied greatfully before hanging up the phone. Pein stood by his phone and massaged his temples.

"Damn," he thought. "One phone call and I have a migraine." Suddenly, the door to the yard opened and Konan walked in with the mail.

"What the hell are you doing?" she asked. "You're standing here in a towel!"

"I have to find a lawyer..." Pein replied dejectedly. Konan regarded him cooly.

"Why?"

"My organization managed to get itself sued and they need a lawyer to defend them... I don't know where I'm going to find a lawyer that will actually take this case." Konan looked at him sharply.

"You do know I have a law degree, right?"

To Be Continued!

Omake- Author's Comments

I thought it was time Pein and Konan came back into the story...


	20. Chapter 20

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Twenty

"I never knew you had a law degree!" Pein said in shock.

"I never thought it was necessary to tell you," Konan replied cooly. "So what is this lawsuit that you say the rest of the organization got itself into?" Pein sighed.

"I'm going to need an Excedrin... my migraine is just getting worse by the second," he mumbled, but continued. "Sasuke is suing those coffee-brewing idiots for his revenge on Itachi."

"Do you know what he intends to sue for?" Konan asked.

"...I didn't think to ask..."

"Figures..." she muttered darkly. "I should get down to the shop before this gets any more out of hand." She left, leaving Pein to search the lair for his headache pills.

* * *

Meanwhile, a despondent Kakuzu had locked himself in the break room, muttering to himself about "goddamned lawyers", "goddamned lawsuits", and "goddamned Uchiha survivor brats".

"Please come out, Kakuzu," Tobi begged through the locked door. "We need to make coffee!"

"SCREW COFFEE!" Kakuzu bellowed in response.

"Hey, fucker, I've got a hundred bucks right here!" Hidan yelled. "Do you want it or not?"

"Slide it under the door," came Kakuzu's cheerless voice. Hidan rolled his eyes.

"I know what you're planning. You're just going to take the money and not come out of there."

"DAMN STRAIGHT!"

"OH MY GOD!" Deidara yelled. "HELP! SOMEONE'S STEALING MONEY FROM THE CASH REGISTER-UN!"

"Nice try," Kakuzu replied. "That thing has so many traps on it I'd know if someone was trying to steal the money."

"Damn..." Deidara muttered.

"Aw... it was worth a try, Sempai!" Tobi answered.

"YO! CAN I GET MY DAMN COFFEE ANYTIME SOON OVER HERE!?" a crabby customer yelled from the counter. "I ORDERED TWENTY MINUTES!"

"Yeah, well you can take your order and shove it up your a-" Hidan started before he was interrupted by Deidara.

"Of course sir." Deidara said. "You ordered the triple-espresso half-caf skinny soymilk no-chocolate mocha, right?"

"Uh...yes..." the customer replied. Deidara handed him his coffee.

"Sorry for the wait-un," he said lightly. "Have a nice day."

"I didn't get to finish my sentence!" Hidan said indignantly. "I was going to say he could take his order and shove it up his ass."

"You suck at customer service," Deidara replied. Then, he crossed the room over to the break-room door, and knocked on it. "KAKUZU! BUSINESS IS SUFFERING BECAUSE OF YOU! GET OUT HERE AND WORK!"

"moneymoneymoneymoney..." was all he got in response.

"It's hopeless," Hidan sighed. "I hope Pein-sama sends the lawyer soon." As soon as he finished speaking, the bell above the door clinked it's familiar jingling welcome to customers and Konan stepped into the shop.

"You got sued?" was the first thing she said to the assembled employees. They all looked ashamedly at the floor. "Where's Kakuzu?"

"In the break room- we can't get him to come out," Tobi replied. Konan's expression was unreadable as she strode over to the door and knocked on it.

"CAN'T YOU ALL LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"Kakuzu, I am here to represent your case," Konan said. Kakuzu flung the door open, coming face-to-face with Konan.

"No you're not. You're just Konan."

"Actually, I am. I'm going to be your lawyer." When Kakuzu looked skeptical, she elaborated. "I have a law degree."

"Well, in that case," Kakuzu said. "Let's look over the charges!"

To Be Continued!


	21. Chapter 21

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Twenty-One

"So the charges include destruction of property and intent to _eat?_" Konan said, shocked. "I didn't even know that you could sue for that!"

"I thought you were the lawyer!" Kakuzu said loudly. He and Konan had been spending the last few hours poring over the papers that Sasuke's lawyer had left them, and Kakuzu's temper was running high. And why shouldn't it be? He was on the verge of losing his beloved money in a lawsuit to _Sasuke,_ of all people.

"Calm down," Konan said. "I don't think his case will ever hold up in court. He doesn't have enough evidence. And you guys kept the pictures Tobi took with his cell phone of the destruction that Sasuke brought upon the shop?"

"Are you kidding?" Kakuzu responded. "They're saved on Tobi's phone, Itachi's computer, and Deidara plastered them all over his website. Take your pick."

"Great!" Konan said cheerily. "Retrieve them!"

"I don't want to ask Tobi for his phone, and venturing into the depths of the Internet, especially Deidara's corner of the Internet will bring doom down upon the seeker. You don't even want to know what that blonde idiot blogs about. So I'll have to ask Itachi for his password."

"Well, don't stand here ranting at me about it!" Konan said. "GO DO IT!"

* * *

"Why do you want my password? I know, you're going to hack someone and transfer all their money to that Swiss bank account of yours. And you don't want to use your own computer in case they trace you." Itachi said. Kakuzu rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, right, Itachi."

"Well, what else would you do? I mean, it's YOU," Itachi continued. "It's got to be something money related."

"You're right on that count," Kakuzu replied. When Itachi's eyes went wide, he began talking again quickly. "As you know we are being sued by your brother. I need the pictures of the time he trashed the shop." Itachi nodded knowingly.

"I understand that," he said. "But why do you need my password?"

"So I can get the pictures."

"Wait here," Itachi replied. "I'll go back to the lair and give you the pictures on a disc. I'm not going to give you my password- no one in their right mind gives a criminal their computer password."

"YOU ARE A CRIMINAL!" Kakuzu shouted at Itachi's retreating back.

* * *

All computer password drama aside, before long, Kakuzu had the data CD in his hand within the hour. "Thank you," he said to Itachi.

"No problem," Itachi replied. "Believe it or not, I would actually hate to see this place get sued into oblivion. Anything to help our case."

* * *

"Oh my God!" Konan gasped as she clicked through the images contained on the disc. "If I bring this into court, there is no way that Sasuke's case will ever hold up!"

To Be Continued!


	22. Chapter 22

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Twenty-Two

The morning of the lawsuit dawned bright and early. "Get your lazy asses out of bed!" Kakuzu bellowed at 7:30 in the morning. "We have to be at the courthouse at 10:00."

"FUCK YOU!" Hidan hollered back.

"Nmnmnmm... I like pizza..." a half-asleep Itachi mumbled in his not-really-awake stupor. "I'll take a slice with extra peperroni."

"IT'S 7:30 IN THE MORNING! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, WAKING ME UP AT THIS UNGODLY TIME!!" Zetsu screeched.

"You all are crazy! We have to go to court! You know, for the lawsuit that could determine whether we get to keep Espresso Expresso open! We need to actually show up on time!" Kakuzu yelled back.

"Why should I do anything you say, heathen asshole?" Hidan shouted.

"Because you're fired if you don't," a different voice said. Pein had slinked up behind Kakuzu and knocked on Hidan's bedroom door. "Don't get my coffeeshop shut down."

* * *

Before too long, everyone was up and dressed, milling around. "What are your thoughts on how we'll fare on this case-un?" Deidara asked a yawning Konan, who smiled back sinisterly.

"Only time will tell, Deidara," she said before slinking off and snoozing on the couch.

"She really creeps me out when she's half asleep, you know?" Deidara said to Tobi.

"No kidding," Tobi replied.

"Alright everyone!" Kakuzu finally shouted. "Get your lazy asses moving!"

* * *

"As you can see, my client has suffered considerable distress at the hands of the defendants," Sasuke's liar (no that's not a typo) was saying. The trial had started an hour before, and already Kakuzu was ready to have a heart attack. He nervously chewed on a pencil, watching as the trial unfolded, stopping to shoot a nasty look at Sasuke, who was wrapped in gauze, from head to toe.

"He looks like a MUMMY!" Tobi stage-whispered gleefully before Deidara backhanded him across the face.

"Shut up, idiot!" he hissed.

"That lying little asswipe..." Itachi said in a low and deadly voice. "Why the FUCK is he wrapped up like a mummy? He's supposed to be under EMOTIONAL distress! Fuck him!"

"Calm yourself, Itachi," Konan replied cooly. "We haven't been allowed to

give testimony yet."

"Yeah, but..."

"Don't say anything else, or you might really screw up our case," Konan hissed back. Itachi held his tounge after that.

"As I was saying-" Sasuke's lawyer said, shooting an angry glance at the squabbling Akatsuki, "The defendants have ruined my client's life! Exhibit A!" he yelled, revealing a laptop and a projector.

"This could be bad!" Kakuzu was trying really hard not to crap his pants.

"Ok, Ok, I got it. I'll go take care of Sasuke," Hidan said in what he thought was a consoling voice. Konan had to resist the urge to strangle him.

"NO!" she whisper-yelled. Sasuke's lawyer began to project the images on the screen, and a slide show of Sasuke with Ino at Disney World flashed up on the screen. Everyone in the courtroom snorted with laughter.

"Sir, I fail to see how images of the plaintiff at _Disney World_ are supposed to convince a jury that he has suffered!" The judge said calmly, removing her glasses and staring down at the lawyer, who grinned sheepishly back at her.

"Ooops... wrong file."

To Be Continued!

Omake- Author's Comments

I'm very sorry for the long update time, but I've had two major exams I've had to study for- and now finals are coming up. :( But I'll try not to let so much time go by before I update again.

-GoesKaboom


	23. Chapter 23

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Twenty-Three

As it turned out, Sasuke's lawyer did not have Exhibit A. After going through many different image folders (including one full of pictures of Sasuke in different prom-style dresses) and two USB flash drives, Sasuke's lawyer was forced to conclude, "Ahem. I seem to have lost the file." Konan was grinning from ear to ear.

"What a useless lawyer," she giggled quietly. "There's no way he'll win!"

"There's still a lot of trial left," Deidara said warningly.

"Um... well then... I will just have to introduce my witness! Sasuke, take the stand!" the lawyer said nervously. Sasuke got cautiously to his feet, trying not to trip over the long strips of gauze wrapped around his body.

"Trip! Trip! Trip! Trip!" Itachi and Kisame quietly chanted. Tobi sent a sharp glance their way.

"You two are horrible!"

"Chant with us, Tobi!" Kisame replied. "You know you want to see it!"

"True..." Tobi's voice stopped, though when Sasuke took the stand.

"The defendants have been horrible to me!" he said. "They have made me suffer emotional distress that no human being should have to suffer! First, that blonde menace poured hot coffee on me!" he yelled, pointing to Deidara.

"Please do not use ad-hominem attacks in my courtroom," the judge said, pushing her glasses back up her nose.

"And then, they barred me from their shop for no good reason, putting up a sign that said 'No entry to those with chicken-butt hair'. I don't even HAVE chicken-butt hair! And then, my so-called friend told me I had to stay outside!" Sasuke was becoming more strident by the second. The judge rolled her eyes.

"It sounds to me like there's more of a problem with your friend than with the defendants," she said.

"But there's more! They lied to me, trashed my house, and tried to EAT me!" Sasuke was in a full-blown panic at this point, and the judge was sick of it.

"OK, OK. Get off my box. Will the defendants' lawyer please take the stand?" Konan exited her seat and shuffled to the stand.

"Unlike my opponent, I can provide evidence of what the defendants have had to deal with as a result of the plaintiff's actions. May I see that computer?" A bailiff brought the laptop over to Konan, who hooked it up to a projector. A few minutes later, she inserted the USB drive and opened a slide show.

"The plaintiff destroyed the shop, costing nearly 2 million in repairs," she said. "And he disrupted normal business, disturbed the peace, and terrorized our customers. The defense rests." And she shuffled off again back to her seat. The courtroom erupted in a noisy clamor as everyone discussed. The judge banged her gavel until the courtroom fell silent again.

"I will now reach a verdict," she said.

To Be Continued!


	24. Chapter 24

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Twenty-Four

About twenty minutes later, the jury came scooting out of the small room where they had been having council. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?" the judge asked.

"We have, ma'am," the man standing at the edge of the jury box said.

"Will the defendents please rise and face the jury?" The Akatsuki stood nervously, and faced the people of the jury.

"We find the defendents innocent on all counts. On a related note, we find the plaintiff guilty of perjury." The judge banged her gavel.

"Sasuke Uchiha, I hereby sentence you to a year in prison, without parole," she said. "The defendents are free to go." The courtroom erupted in cheers.

"I KNEW we'd go free! I just KNEW it!" Deidara shouted jubilantly. Zetsu and Tobi were doing some kind of crazy dance, chanting.

"WE'RE FREE! COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE! WE'RE FREE!"

"I don't even want to know..." Itachi said to Kisame, who nodded.

"Those two are insane," he added.

"KONAN I LOVE YOUUUUUU! YOU'RE THE BEST LAWYER IN THE WORLD!!" Tobi screamed, drawing weird looks from everyone in the courtroom. Konan looked embarassed.

"Tobi, calm down." she commanded.

"But you saved the shop! Why would I not love you?" Tobi asked, peering up at her.

"I might not be able to save your job if you don't get back to work..." she said. Tobi bounded off, a bundle of hyperactive energy. Konan rolled her eyes.

"I swear, that boy must drink a gallon of coffee every day."

"He does," Deidara replied. "Kakuzu beats him upside the head for it, but he still does. Apparently he can't get enough of the taste."

"Well, switch him to decaf!" Konan yelped/

* * *

In the weeks that followed, Espresso Expresso got much more business than usual. Apparently, a tabloid newspaper, _The Daily Rag,_ had picked up on the lawsuit and followed it obsessively. And the public ate it up. People came from miles around to visit the small coffee shop that had been the center of a big controversy. And everyone who tasted the coffee absolutely loved it.

"Damn, I can't believe you came all the way here from Star Country!" Deidara exclaimed, handing a woman her latte. "We're honored that you cared so much about the trial!"

"Oh, I couldn't stop reading about your experiences. I'm so sorry that you had to go through such an ordeal..." the woman replied. Deidara smiled slightly.

"Yeah, well..."

"YO! STOP CHATTING AND GET YOUR LAZY ASS MOVING!" Kakuzu screamed at Deidara, who shrugged apologetically at the customer.

"Talk to you later, I guess-un."

* * *

However, the craziness didn't last more than a month or two. Eventually, _The Daily Rag_ moved back to its regular coverage of crazy conspiracy theories, and business returned to business as usual for the employees of Espresso Expresso.

"Aah..." Kakuzu sighed, sipping a green tea latte after closing one night.

"What?" Hidan asked.

"You know, it's been a long time since I've just been able to sit and drink a latte... now that the Sasuke problem has been taken care of, I think I can afford to chill out."

"Don't go getting all philosophical on me, old man," Hidan said sarcastically. Kakuzu glared at him.

"Who you calling old man? You're the immortal one!"

"Ah, shut up," Hidan sighed. "I only came back to give you this." And he handed Kakuzu a small manila envelope stamped with the penitentary return adress.

"But this is-!" Kakuzu's voice trailed off.

To Be Continued!

* * *

Omake- Author's Comments

The next chapter will be the last. It's been a long time... 11 months since I started writing this... thank you for sticking with this until the end! :D


	25. Chapter 25

Espresso Expresso

Chapter Twenty-Five

Without waiting for any other explanation, Kakuzu tore the envelope and removed its contents: a single sheet of paper.

"Tell me what it says!" Hidan demanded. Kakuzu glared.

"I'm getting there!" he shouted. Then, he cleared his throat. _"To The Staff of Espresso Expresso:" _

"Keep talking! What the fuck does that thing say!?" Hidan screeched.

"WILL YOU SHUT UP! I'M GOING TO READ IT!" Kakuzu snarled. _"We regret to inform you that the man who tried to incriminate your business has broken from jail. We wished to inform you because he left a message saying that he planned to attack one of your staff, a Mr. Uchiha Itachi. Please be on your guard. _

_Best Wishes, _

_S.A. _

_Prison Guard" _

"Well, fuck!" Hidan said. Kakuzu nodded wordlessly. "Well, we'll have to warn Itachi, won't we?" Hidan continued. "I don't want him to get killed by _Sasuke, _of all people!"

"He only left twenty minutes ago... we should be able to catch up to him!" Kakuzu said, jumping up and running out the door. Hidan followed suit.

* * *

Itachi was walking back to the lair slowly. It was a nice night, and he really enjoyed taking leisurely walks on nice nights. But something was bothering him. It seemed that something was stalking him. But whenever he turned around, no one was there. Thinking it was just a cat or something, he continued on his way.

Meanwhile, the "cat" was planning the best way to kill his older brother. "Hmm... should I use the shank that I stole from that guy in prison? Or should I use the zip gun that my cell mate gave me before I busted out? I will finally have revenge!" Sasuke muttered to himself.

Itachi felt that he was going insane. He felt that now the shadows were talking to him. He could have sworn that he distinctly heard "revenge" whispered loudly. Suddenly, a cloud of dust started zooming toward him from the distance.

"ITAAAAACCHIIIIII!" the dust-cloud hollered. Itachi watched in astonishment as the dust-cloud revealed itself to be Hidan and Kakuzu. "Itachi!" Kakuzu yelled. "Be careful!"

"Sasuke has broken out of prison!" Hidan shouted. "AND THE FUCKER IS GOING TO TRY TO KILL YOU!"

"Shit!" the hidden Sasuke swore. "Why did the idiot brigade have to find out? HOW did the idiot brigade find out?"

"We got a letter from the prison guard!" Kakuzu explained. Feeling that he could no longer hide, Sasuke revealed himself.

"ITACHI! I WILL KILL YOU!" he shouted.

"Oh really now?" Itachi said lazily. "What is your ass doing out of jail?"

"That's... that's not your business!" Sasuke stammered in response.

"Uh... I think it _is_ his fucking business!" Hidan interjected. Kakuzu punched his arm.

"Do you have to butt into everything?" he asked.

"YES!" Hidan screamed in response. Sasuke looked at him sharply.

"I don't give a damn about you, albino boy," he said. "All I'm here for is to kill my brother. Then I'll let you get on your way. I won't do anything else."

"ALBINO BOY!?" Hidan hollered. Kakuzu restrained him.

"Calm down, Hidan."

"ALBINO BOY? ALBINO BOY? I'LL FUCKING KILL THE FUCKING MOTHERFUCKER!" Itachi rolled his eyes.

"Sasuke, I'm going to count to ten. You are going to get down on the ground. I am going to call the cops. And you are going to go quietly and go back to prison. If you refuse I have no choice: I will kill you." Of course, Sasuke refused. Within seconds, Itachi had Sasuke trapped in a full nelson. "You made your choice." Suddenly, a loud wail of sirens and a flash of cop-car lights interrupted the scene.

"WHAT IS GOING ON THERE?" a cop shouted.

"Hey, chief, it's that escaped prisoner!" another yelled. "GET HIM!" Before Sasuke knew what was happening, he found himself bundled into a cop car. "It's off to court for you again, mister."

* * *

"You morons had better have a good reason for waking me up," a disgruntled judge said, putting on her glasses. "I got out of bed at this time of night to do a re-sentencing!? You'd better have a good reason for this!"

"We do, ma'am," the cop said. "We caught the prison escapee."

"Good, good. I was worried about that," the judge yawned. "Sentence him to ten years. And, if I may ask, who apprehended him?"

"Those coffee guys," the cop explained.

"Hear me out!" Sasuke interrupted.

"No. You broke from prison. Now it's time for you to go back," the judge said. "And now it's time for me to go back to sleep."

* * *

So, Sasuke was transferred back to jail, and the coffee shop returned to normal for several weeks, until one day, Pein showed up at the shop. "Get everyone in here," he said. Kakuzu obliged.

"We have enough money to close the shop and take a vacation to Tahiti," Pein explained.

"What?" Deidara asked.

"We're selling the property. Plus, Starbucks offered me a million bucks for the property."

"But... but... what about us?" Kisame asked.

"Well, would you rather have a million bucks or a coffee shop that will cost a million bucks over the next year to pay for electricity, lights, heating, air cooling, and other miscellaneous expenses? Plus, I'm going to invest the million Starbucks is paying us and watch it multiply!"

"You're a smart man, Pein-sama," Kakuzu said. "We'll agree."

* * *

"You know, I'm gonna be sorry to see this place go," Sakura said on the closing day.

"Yeah, me too," Naruto agreed. Itachi smiled slightly as he handed them their coffee.

"Well, a coffee shop is going to be here in our place..." he explained.

"But it's just not the same," Sakura's voice trailed off.

"Don't worry. I'm sure that in time, Pein-sama will have another stupid business venture..."

_**The End **_

Omake- Author's Comments

Wow. I'm finally finished. Many thanks to everyone who read to the end, it's very much appreciated. Thanks also to everyone who reviewed, you guys are great! :D Seriously, I'm very grateful to everyone who read this story.

-GoesKaboom


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